What sucks

You know what sucks? When you really want to talk to someone that does not want to talk to you. It doesn't suck that they don't want to talk back. It doesn't suck even to want to talk to the person. What sucks is knowing and feeling you really shouldn't. It's the feeling that it is not permitted.

It's like someone who oversees all relationships and bad doings will come done and give you a spanking if you actually follow through with it. So, you keep reaching for the phone and slapping your own hand before the overseer does, just because you know that you will hit yourself a little softer than if you were to actually be punished for the wrongdoing. I mean, is that a little sad? Or is it a valid way to control yourself?

Who knows. I know I miss him.

The memory that's sticking

There is one memory that's sticking and making me stick with my decision.

Jake and I were on a walk and we stopped at the playground. We got on the swings. He said something that to me sounded funny but to him was a speech impediment. I teased him until he told me that. I went and sat on his lap saying sorry. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, honestly. And you know... He grabbed me tighter. He kissed me on the cheek and said that it was okay and that now I know.

Well, it's not an extravagant memory. I think of it, though, and I just smile. Then, I think of every other time we kissed and I get butterflies and light up. And I think of each time we were so high on each others' energies that we couldn't stop giggling or smiling no matter how hard we tried. I remember how when we were together we could always get comfortable. We didn't have to be awkward.

So, I am sure that I would still be ecstatic if he were to come back around. And I would hold him tight and kiss him soft and long. I would make him smile. We would deal with what we needed.

That is only beside the point. The point is I have finally decided that I am strong enough to keep my heart open. I can let myself love someone and let them love me. There is no resentment or animosity toward Jacob. All I can do is smile when I think of him and our summer together. Things were near perfect for that short time. How could I resent him for that?

So, then, it's possible to have that dream of mine without getting sick. It's possible to not get addicted and become possessive. It's possible for me to be open to love and to be open to letting go. It's possible for me to not need to forgive because I am accepting to begin with. I don't need to protect myself...

I'd say I could have been close to the point of falling for Jacob. I'm not sure. But I don't think falling in love would have shaken things. I can love and still have that sort of relationship with someone. I think that if I had fallen in love with him, I would still be able to be free with him. I would still be able to accept things.

Then, I'm deciding that my heart is remaining open.

Buh-bye

I'm not sure why, but you have decided you're done already. Your arrival was sudden and unexplained, as was your departure. I have a feeling it was meant to be because I have no answer from you no matter how many times I ask. You just felt like dropping me, I guess. Well, I suppose it was all in good timing.

One more week of a relaxing summer break and then what may be the hardest semester of my college career commences.

20 hour a week job
16 legal GV credits
4 LCC credits
3 (4?)extra curricular organizations
2 dance classes
1 Junior recital

I guess I'm supposed to have a social life, prep for the winter opera, practice enough so that I am prepping my career along with keeping up with this semester, and do the 3 credits worth of outside work required for my 1 credit choir class.

This should be a piece of cake!

I'm trying to be optimistic here.


Well, I asked for it all... It should be an experience.

To look at the bright side, next semester should be a nap on a park bench compared to this, even considering that I am taking Topology, the hardest math class in an undergrad career. And I will be doing the opera most likely. Plus... I'll still be in choir. Yugh... Good thing it's my last year of it.

Next summer's goals:

Study abroad Ireland or Egypt
Participate in a really good REU or get accepted into a summer long music theater or opera program
Knock out one gen ed class online at LCC
...Meet someone special? Pretty sure that is not a goal so much as it is a longing to make it a habit of finding someone special every summer only to have them toss me a side like a blanket with anthrax. I may be resentful a little. =P It is at the very bottom of my list. Who needs it?

I'm excited. This year, as stressful as it is going to be, just may be the year that I break into my real adult self... Or it'll just teach me to never try to break my limits again.

First things first

Please don't let me wreck this! I don't care about the past and who did what. I just want to do this right. I want to stay honest. I don't want to run away.

Don't be scared.
Don't be timid.
Be reckless.
Be wild.

When the sweetest guy in the world walks into my life the first thing I think is that I can't trust him. I'm sure it's with good reason, but it's not the right thing to do. Everyone should be trusted until they give a reason not be.





IN other News

I'm looking for some changes, but still feeling some nostalgia for a little of my past. I don't care. I want to be free. I want to live variously. I want to stay me.

And then...

I miss school. I want to go back. I want to learn. I want to read. I want to do homework. I want to sing.

I have a junior recital to plan. I want to do theory again. I want to do math again. I want to be submersed, even though I know I'm going to feel like I'm drowning soon into it. It's what I live for... at least 8 months out of the year.

I need to dance.

I need to be new. I need to be me.

I need to let go.

Perfect

You are doing so many things that are oh so right. I'm not surprised, but I am ecstatic that you are so forward about

the way you just grab my hand
the way you know exactly what makes an adventure
the way you know exactly how to make me smile and laugh
the way you know exactly when to wrap me up and when to squeeze tight
the way you know when to kiss me tenderly
the way you know how many times and exactly where to lay your lips
the way you're not afraid of any place on my body... to caress... to kiss
... every little kiss you place from head to toe, all over with a smile, as gently as a feather

Yet, you still go only as far as a gentleman would. And we still only fall asleep wrapped in each others arms, face to face, with a story of you.

That is perfect. It's just what I have been looking for.

A memory to not forget

Yesterday was Monday and the beginning of the week. Yesterday was the first date between Jacob and me. The facts that it was Monday, the 26th of July, and that we were having our first date are completely irrelevant. What are important notes are listed below:

I felt really pretty.
I let myself shine and stay true.
I was really comfortable.


We went out for sushi. He picked it out a couple of weeks ago. That made me smile when he told me. I never felt awkward and he was super adorable. What is important to mention is, during the date I wasn't thinking that it was a date at all. My mind was completely clear of worries and anticipation. I was just in the moment the whole time. I was completely free. And he made me laugh. And I made him smile. We connected. And it was a success. =] Ding ding!

I had to work after. So, I did. After work, I was feeling spontaneous since Erika had come to visit me and Jacob and I are going well. I announced a random break into the beach, which lead Jake to suggest getting drunk and going streaking. Whatever. I was up for whatever felt fun and out of the blue.

We didn't end up streaking. Apples, Erika, Jake, and I all drove to Lake Michigan. It was absolutely beautiful. The water was so still, excluding the little bit of movement as the waves met the beach. The sky was completely clear and the moon was bright and round. We all walked down the beach until we found a log and I got inspired to get in the water (It was extremely warm!) I stripped down to underwear and walked out. The water stayed shallow for feet out. So, I kept walking and walking until I was with myself. Then, Jacob got in and I told him to come with me. He did. Erika and Apples stayed behind.

Jacob met me out in the water far, far away from the beach until we couldn't see Erika and Apples and they couldn't see us. Soon as he got to me he picked me up and held me. We looked at the stars and we looked at the moon's reflection on the water. And to make it perfect we got silly, played, and made each other laugh. And he just kept squeezing me tight until we went back to the beach.

That's a memory to not forget. Good day. Good night. Good life. I'm lucky.


*When I close my eyes, all I can see is the reflection of the moonlight on the quiet lake water*

Rain

It's dark outside and it's raining.
It smells so sweet and fresh.
It's the perfect day to stay inside, sit on my bed, and rest.
It's raining and it's dripping and I feel content.
I have an aching in my belly.
I'm hungry, but I'm set.

And I'm breathing.
I'm breathing like I just woke up, but I'm breathing all the same.
I don't care if I know the world.
I don't care if I know my name because I'm seeing.
I'm smelling and I hear.
None of it is tainted.
Not much gives me lesser fear, along with the sunset and the stars; the moon and the clouds. With this I'm free and I'm found...
until the rain stops.

***

Freestyles are freeing. =P


I'm a new person. I'm even newer than that poem above. Every time I create, I'm new. Every time I feel or think, I'm new. And I want to be changed. I want to be different. I don't want to be the same for more than 30 seconds even. For me, things need to stay lively. Nothing can be monotonous. So, everyday I alter myself and I alter my life. I look for things that I didn't notice before. I put things in front of me that weren't before. That satisfies me. I'm glad to know that.

Mind

My mind is stuck on you. It is very monotonous. It's not very entertaining, yet your presence is imprinted there for some reason. I think and maybe hope a little that when I am away that will fade. But part of me just hopes you'll admit that the same thing is happening to you. That way, even though I'm confused and unfocused, I won't be alone in that.

You know what. I think that night was my favorite night of the summer so far.

I'm going to shut up and relax. Because that's what my friend told me to do. So, I'm going to put thoughts about you to rest for now. Okay? Goodnight.

New

You're new. You're distracting. You make it hard to focus. You make me restless. You are just what I want. And you're right. I don't have to think about how just yet. All I know is I want you. I know it. And you truly. Not just some fantasy version I made up. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel again. And I don't feel attached. I still feel free, just scatterbrained. =]

Wednesday night:
We kissed.
You held me.
You told me I was beautiful.

You like me. That feels really good. I like you, too. =]

***

California next week. I'm so stressing out about it. But it's still good stress I think. I am trying to hurry and learn this music as best as I can before I go. I'm so excited. I know if I just get this done now the workshop is going to be excellent. Yikes... I'm a big girl now. =D



I really love life... I love God.

The Language

There is a language that we all know. It is a language that has not yet been dictated and it is not one that we use frequently. When we remember to pay attention to it, we also remember that we are fluent in it. It is not a language of words. It is not a language that is labeled. But it can be a medium. You feel it when you focus. You feel it when you recognize. You feel it when you connect. You feel it when you observe. You feel it when you touch. You feel it when you are aware. You feel it when you feel.

It cannot be described, the language itself. But when it is used to communicate, it is most clear. It is superior among languages. It is the mother of all. It is the only language that matters.

And no one even knows what it is. Some don't even realize its power. Some don't even realize it's there. When we do, truth will be more prevalent. The world will become smaller and the universe bigger. We will all grow. We will all advance. We will all be brave. We will all be relevant.

Something new

I like someone. And it does not matter if it ever goes anywhere. I think the best part about it is that it's new. There is no promise. There is no attachment. There is freedom. There is room to choose.

I feel like I'm getting another chance to see perfect things in a different way. They're just a part of life. They come. That means they were not there before. So, then they go. And that is where they belong. That is because they do not belong to you. They don't belong to themselves. They belong to life. And life shares them with you, but you do not get to keep them. They can only be a part of you because you belong to life, too. You are a piece of it.

You are just a smaller piece of a bigger whole. That is where you belong. That is where it all belongs. And you can love it that way. You can love it in pieces. Then, when they are gone, you can love them as a whole. You can love life alone. Then, you will love it all.

I am in love. And then it will go to continue to be life's love. Just like me.

A few thoughts that have been in my head the past few months

I have fallen so far away from myself. At first I was getting that back because I had to. That was the only way I could okay. When I started to move on from Zach, though, I started to lose myself again. I'm settling for things that I should never have to settle for and I'm doing things that I have never been okay doing.

Also, I never thought I would come to this, but I am helpless when it comes to dating and romance. The sad thing is I am truly a romantic. A helpless romantic. It's so cliche... I just don't get it. I am almost incapable. It is pathetic.

I have not been to church or had a serious prayer in almost or over a year. It's quite a major fail and I feel like that is part of my biggest problems.

All I care about singing and that's all I want to care about.

All I care about is singing and I am not sure if that's all I want to care about.

So, you see... there is quite the predicament...

And I just told a crush that I had a crush on him so I can't really think of stuff right now. I'm going to bed.

what i realized

I loved you and now I can't love anyone else.

So, I drown myself in music.

And that's the only thing I love.

So, I guess that's the end of it.

I'll only have music. The rest of my life.

There are times when one sees reflections of oneself in other people. Sometimes it is noticed that the reflection is just a little bit delayed. Nonetheless, the realization that there is a shared entity inside of each person helps to make everyone seem a little more human. Whether that be a good or bad thing is up to each person, but it cannot be denied that the sensation of finding that there will always be a connection between two people, regardless of any outcome, is one of great affection, tainted or not.

There are times when one hides, even from oneself. Maybe the reason is that there is some fear yet to be discovered. Maybe there is a game that feels too innate to turn down. Maybe there is not any one reason and maybe it is just habit after a while. When someone outside of oneself discovers it after all of the time and effort of keeping it locked away... Well, I am not sure. Maybe someone knows a lot less than is being revealed. Or maybe more than one person is discovering new things.

***

I am lucky in that I have lucky friends. I only surround myself with lucky people, which may or not make a certain point. What I find interesting, whether it is useless information or not, is that they do not know it. Or maybe they know something, but they don't know the particular reasons. Maybe they just feel something that sets them apart from the millions of others. I'm not sure that they will ever feel or understand what I see. Maybe they know themselves a whole lot better, but what I see in them, I see in clear light, untainted.

That is the interesting thing about people and relationships. Knowing is only half of the understanding. Seeing clarifies. Being with someone else that confirms a belief or helps to find a new one is significant to growing. It is significant to life. Sometimes a painful process arises. Sometimes there is a sense of a lack of process, at all. Things seem fragmented and unorganized. When people are involved there is no way to escape disequilibrium, mental and/or emotional. Well, I guess I will question, "Is it necessary." Probably not. Does it quicken a certain process? It depends on one's goals, probably.

I think there has been a new indention in my life and I think this one may be uniquely significant.

Check:

1. I want to go to Nantucket.

2. I want to go to Montauk.

3. I want to go to Tibet.

4. I want to go to Brazil.

5. I want to go to Austria. (This is happening soon. =])

6. I want go hike on the Rocky.

7. I want to go to Ireland and lay in the grass fields.

8. I want to go sailing across the ocean.

9. I want to back pack Europe.

10. I want to sky dive.

11. I want to fall in love with a random stranger and have a crazy affair.

12. I want to experience night life in a random city of a foreign country.

13. I want to be in a screen show

14. and a broadway show.

15. I want to live in a beach house.

16. I want to own a house with lots of land.

17. I want to watch the sunset and sunrise without thinking about anything going on in life.

18. I want to have a picnic in a beautiful grass field underneath the only tree in sight.

19. I want to go to a runway show.

20. I want to live my life now and not build up to something that I hope to happen in the future.

21. I want to be head over heels in love again and I want it reflected.

22. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone and enjoy every minute of it knowing that I am exactly where I want to be and so is he.

23. I want to go out dancing and really let loose and do it just for the sake of dancing.

24. I want to be in a photo shoot and feel like a model.

25. I want to study as much as I can about quantum mechanics.

26. I want to know as much as I can about music theory.

27. I want to prepare an extravagant dinner for the some of my closest friends and drink wine so we feel wealthy.

28. I want to own my own apartment and decorate it just the way I want it.

29. I want to live in a big city for a while and really feel like a city person.

30. I want to feel like I am free and unattached, choosing the life that I want each minute that I have it.

31. I want to go on a big trip with my family.

32. I want to go on a spontaneous road trip to somewhere that I have never been.

33. I want to do a million fantastic things by myself and really enjoy it.

34. I want to go to an art showing and dress nicely.

35. I want to move away without a reason.

I love you.

Some warm arms

Sometimes you feel like you just need someone to love you; like you just need someone to wrap their arms around you and stay there until you're ready for them to leave. Sometimes it is nice to feel like someone needs someone at the very time that you need someone and they pick you. Most times it feels great for someone to ask how you are and really want to know the answer; for someone to care about you above many of the distracting things going on in life.

This was not intended to be a valentine's day related post. I had forgotten until just now that tomorrow was valentine's day. But I suppose it is appropriate.

I am so happy with where my life is right now and with where it is headed. I am not sure if I would change anything. It is jolting, though, to see so many people be with people that they really, really want to be with. How did that happen to them when I thought it had happened to me and now I am without it? It assures me that most everyone else has something fleeting, also. I am positive that I will have the same thing again. But what of it when it comes? I'm not really sure. Will it be important? Will I feel a lot or a little? Will it even matter? What of all of the probable feelings to develop inside of me? And what of the person that stands opposite me? It is alarming to realize that it may not even matter; ever.

So, then, I guess the only purpose of beginning again is just to begin. Then, once it begins, it begins to end. Should I really perceive it to be this way? Should it be in the back of my mind while I pretend?

Two ladies and a gentlemen sat in my section today. After they had finished eating they asked what my valentine's day plans were for the night. I laughed and said I didn't have any. They were completely shocked and asked why no guy had bothered to ask me to be his valentine when I was such a pretty girl with such a great personality. Well, I guess I just don't know and since I don't know that's what I told him. I just don't know. Maybe I chose that? I'm pretty sure I did. A good question would be... do I want to keep it going? Or do I want to try again?

I suppose no one wants to be all alone when they could be with someone else. Then, again not a lot of people would want to deal with the stress and drama and hurt.

But everyone wants to be close. Right? In your heart, you really just want to be close.

I love you.

Goodnight.

And then I learned to say goodbye

Letting go opens your soul to manifest wondrous creations. I feel free. I am happy. I can do anything and I accept everything. My life is open and I am creating each moment. What is going on? I love my life. I love the world I live in because even its imperfections are perfect and whole.

What can I say about myself? My heart is open and my soul is open. I am not waiting and I am not pushing. I am just living. I am just breathing. I am just creating and being. Everything is as it should be and as soon as it isn't I change it. I am in complete control of my life and when I am not all I do is let go and everything is okay.

Everything is so cool; what I see ahead of me; what I see before me; what I see behind me. It is all just so impressive. It's so incredible. Everything fits snuggly. It fits all around me. It breathes with me. It bends to me. I am endless in it.

I am going to Costa Rica in March!!! =] I also auditioned for my first professional opera (the chorus, no big). I am applying for a scholarship so that I can do a vocal summer program. I may just apply for a research position here at GV. I may go to Virginia after school is out. It all...... is great.

... You know, when you let go of letting go, it's funny that what you had always wanted when you couldn't let go happens. But now when it does, you're still gone. And you feel you may just never come back because you just don't have to. Because you finally let go. What's funny is, you really don't know that you have learned to say goodbye until what you said goodbye to says hello again. Even though you don't completely disregard the possibility that you may say hello back, you seem pretty okay with keeping it at goodbye.

Love Life

Procrastination or Peace

I am finding myself at a very slow commencement into productivity. I suppose it could be the fact that I am catching up on activities that I in the past put on hold to be more productive. So, in a sense, I guess I am being productive in doing the things that I want to do. I do intend to continue working on my website today, though.

Things to do today:

1. Work on website

2. Catch up on my music lit. reading

3. Study some music theory

4. Study song texts

5. Do some planning

The optional 6. Fill out some scholarships!

I think it is a lovely day so far, as always. I may draw a picture or do some writing. =] That sounds like a beautiful plan.

Heading home tonight? Who knows, maybe it will be tomorrow. All I know is I am a free bird. =] That is a wondrous feeling.

Life is beautiful. <3

Sunrise

Last night I dreamt of the sunrise. That is all. It was just the beautiful sunrise in every instance, with every beautiful color. I woke up and the sun was shining as brightly as if the day itself were happy. I was glad to notice these things.

I just got done with an exciting work out. I am more enduring and more flexible than yesterday! That is good news. Tonight starts the fun of productivity and learning. I'm so excited!!!

I love fantasizing and dreaming. I also love the fact that I am learning how to stay unattached both. =]

Life is beautiful. Life is great.<3

New year, new decade, beautiful life

It is the new year and it is already off to a beautiful start. I feel absolutely great today.

I am so thankful for my friends. I'm so thankful for my family. I'm so thankful for my life. Life is so beautiful; radiant. I'm thankful to notice.

This year is going to be about listening to myself more; taking into account a little more of what I want as opposed to what I think I need. It is going to be about treating myself well physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is going to be about giving myself what I deserve. It is going to be about accepting things that are and creating what is possible to come.

My life is a blank slate; a white canvas. I can do with it as I wish. That is what this year is about; creating more life.

Happy new year. =] <3