The memory that's sticking

There is one memory that's sticking and making me stick with my decision.

Jake and I were on a walk and we stopped at the playground. We got on the swings. He said something that to me sounded funny but to him was a speech impediment. I teased him until he told me that. I went and sat on his lap saying sorry. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, honestly. And you know... He grabbed me tighter. He kissed me on the cheek and said that it was okay and that now I know.

Well, it's not an extravagant memory. I think of it, though, and I just smile. Then, I think of every other time we kissed and I get butterflies and light up. And I think of each time we were so high on each others' energies that we couldn't stop giggling or smiling no matter how hard we tried. I remember how when we were together we could always get comfortable. We didn't have to be awkward.

So, I am sure that I would still be ecstatic if he were to come back around. And I would hold him tight and kiss him soft and long. I would make him smile. We would deal with what we needed.

That is only beside the point. The point is I have finally decided that I am strong enough to keep my heart open. I can let myself love someone and let them love me. There is no resentment or animosity toward Jacob. All I can do is smile when I think of him and our summer together. Things were near perfect for that short time. How could I resent him for that?

So, then, it's possible to have that dream of mine without getting sick. It's possible to not get addicted and become possessive. It's possible for me to be open to love and to be open to letting go. It's possible for me to not need to forgive because I am accepting to begin with. I don't need to protect myself...

I'd say I could have been close to the point of falling for Jacob. I'm not sure. But I don't think falling in love would have shaken things. I can love and still have that sort of relationship with someone. I think that if I had fallen in love with him, I would still be able to be free with him. I would still be able to accept things.

Then, I'm deciding that my heart is remaining open.