It has taken me so long to remember what I used to love about myself. There has been so much back and forth; so much deconstruction and reconstruction. I have had enough of trying too hard and not trying enough. I have been an extremist on the verge of breaking. Now I realize what I miss about myself.
I miss that I used to always be at peace. I miss that I was never bored and that even when I was restless, it was with excitement. I miss that I could always find something that I was passionate about when everyone else looked around and saw abandonment. I miss that I was always in love with God, my spirit, and the fullness of life. I miss my zeal for fulfillment of my potential. I miss always searching and learning while being content with who and where I was. I've missed that. I've missed love. And I thought that I missed romance, you know, love. But I haven't. I've missed real love; pure love; unconditional love; spiritual love. I've missed loving myself. I haven't in a really long time. And that is what I need.
Somehow through all of the bustle and insanity that I have created I have managed to stay clinically sane, but only to the credit of singing. Music is the only thing that has stayed the same about me and it has been the only thing fighting for me. Finally, I'm letting it win the fight. I'm remembering why I loved it in the first place: It always reminds me of who I truly am. It always makes me feel and it always gives me the truth.
God, you have blessed more than I have been able to realize. I have seen it in these past few years. I had everything that I needed and honestly I still do, but I am blinded by lack of compliance and acceptance. I have forgotten how to appreciate. I finally feel like I can breathe again because I am remembering how to let go and let you take care of me. You have gotten me so far already, why shouldn't I trust you to take care of the rest?
I AM happy.
I AM full.
I AM peaceful.
I AM alive.
Forgetting that is suicide. And I wholeheartedly disagree with suicide.
It's too much work. =D
Love,
Andrea
No comments:
Post a Comment